Some people (we’re looking at you, Moms for Liberty) believe that any discussion of gender with young kids is “inappropriate” or “confusing,” but Dani says that couldn’t be farther from the truth. And Dani would know — they’re an early childhood educator and recently participated in a research study where 4-year-olds learned about pronouns.
In the study, they read the children’s book Jacob’s School Play: Starring He, She and They. (You can watch a PLP read-aloud with the authors here!) And Dani says that although the kids were receptive to the conversations about gender, the main thing they cared about was the characters in the story. What happened to them? Did they play their parts well in the school play? How did everything turn out in the end?
But it can still be intimidating to have these conversations with your own kids, especially when they loudly ask questions in public like “Is that a boy or a girl?” Learning specialist Desmond Fambrini says it’s natural for kids to be curious. “Kids like to categorize," Desmond says. "Your child is not being offensive. They are trying to figure out what is going on in front of them.”
Desmond advises encouraging your child’s curiosity while reinforcing that we shouldn't make assumptions — you can't always classify someone just by looking at them. You can say things like, “I don't know, but isn’t their makeup pretty?” or “Did you know that if you don’t know someone’s gender, you can always say they instead of he or she?” But don’t forget that it’s not that stranger’s responsibility to be part of the lesson; if they jump in, that’s great! But they might just be there to buy groceries and that’s okay too.
Dani says that the 4-year-olds’ response to Jacob’s School Play gives them hope for a future where we all care more about people than pronouns.
How to Talk to Kids about Gender